5 - What Father's Need Most

I feel a little jealous when I observe the online communities of mothers--the robust dialogue, the introspection, the salient agenda, and the openness. There are even entire industries centered around resources, coaching, and education for moms. Performing similar searches for father-focused content highlighted a stark difference in the way that millennial mothers and fathers are coping with parenthood.

So why hasn't a parallel community formed for fathers?

In refining the purpose of this blog, I have asked a few of my peers what they need most as fathers. What could they use more support with and what are the things they wish they knew? The themes that emerged instantly from their responses point to shared challenges, and an opportunity for dad's to benefit from talking to each other.

Balance
The clear stand-out is the need for balance. How do fathers meet the demands of work, family, church, and self? During a recent interview regarding his article The Biggest Threat Facing Middle-aged Men Isn't Smoking or Obesity. It's Loneliness. Boston Globe reporter Billy Baker described the web of commitments that edges out time for friendship. Dads are all locked in to a mutual gridlock of  soccer games, work meetings, gym runs, and date nights; even when you have a moment to think to call a friend for guys night, they are invariably busy. And rightfully so, most of us would agree. Eliminating friendships seems like the responsible thing to do. It's what a good dad with clear priorities would choose. As a society, the way we have defined masculinity reinforces this sense of cowboyism, a rugged but counterfeit independence that comes at a high cost. This is just one example that can be lumped with the tension between excelling at work and being home for dinner, or choosing to go out with your wife when you'd rather binge-watch your next show.

The most haunting response I received touched on our dreams to make a difference in the world. "I often struggle with feeling that I want to change the world, but to do so would cost me the family life that I cherish." Within all of us is an ambition to leave a legacy and do some grand, important thing. It may be running for office, or starting a business, or founding an NGO. It could be writing that book, or developing a vaccine, or creating more art. When we look at the men and women of genius that inspire us, though, what did their home lives look like? For most of us are happy homes and significant lives mutually exclusive?

Parenting Techniques
There is a lot of information out there for parents, but it is hard to find the signal in the noise and feel confident you're not screwing up your children. And who has time to research it all when your kid's science project is due tomorrow? What practices are research-based and most likely to help our kids thrive?

Healthy Marriage
As kids become little people that demand our time and attention, we have less bandwidth available to build and nurture a rich marriage. It is so easy to fall into parallel tracks, seamlessly coordinating carpool duties, planning dinners, covering down on piano lessons, and folding the laundry wither ever really saying a word to each other. The greatest gift we could ever give our children is to model a vibrant an loving relationship with our spouses, but how de me make it happen amid the urgency of early parenthood?

Self-Care
We don't really even talk about this as men. Maybe it falls into the same category as crying, or asking how to change the AC filters, but we don't do it. The truth is we're all struggling to eek out personal and social time, and as one friend put it, "Sleep. I can face the world and my toddler's tantrums with patience and strength on 8 hours of sleep. I might shrivel up and sit in a corner with less than 7."

When I asked experienced fathers with grown children similar questions (e.g. "What do you wish you had known as a young father?") I got a tellingly different response. They didn't talk in terms of techniques, or offer lists of dos and don'ts. Many of the issues that I agonize over, from amount of screen time to how to discipline were not longer on their radar. Instead they encouraged me to be consistently present, love and enjoy my children, and try not to get too ruffled. I like to imagine my future self 20-30 years down the road coming back in time to offer encouragement and advice. What would I say to me? Likely I'd say "You're doing a great job. Things will work out in the end. Keep going."


Image Credit: United Families International