6 - My Responsibilities as a Father

While the role of fathers in the lives of their children cannot be overstated, I have observed in my own children that kids come as they are. Much of their personality is innate and seems independent of  my influence and teaching. I have also observed that as children grow into adulthood, their choices are their own and that they are ultimately responsible for the lives they create. Because of these seemingly competing observations about the importance of parents and the uniqueness of children I often wonder how much of my kids' outcomes in life are within my control?  What is within my sphere of influence and what is simply not my job? Clarity about our roles as fathers can help us focus on our most important responsibilities and forego the angst of daddy guilt.

When I experience insecurity as a father, it's because I'm not sure I'm doing a good job. Sometimes when my children are sweet and kind and adoring they give me evidence that I am a great parent. But when they throw tantrums and melt down and call me a "bad dad" and hit their sister I am left to do some soul searching about what my job as a father actually is.

What is not my job?

As a father, it is not my job to make my children succeed. It is also not my job to make them happy. In fact, my children are ultimately responsible for all of their own emotions, choices, and outcomes in life. Does that mean I can let my children roam like ferrel cats foraging cold cereal for dinner and watching Peppa Pig on loop? What it means is that I clearly distinguish what is within my control and focus on it to give my kids the best chance at success and happiness. 

It is not possible, nor is it my job to control my children. Even if I could it would not be desirable to take away choice, experience, and learning from my kids. They will and should make mistakes. It feels almost heretical to claim that parents aren't responsible for their children's behavior, and we are socialized to feel shame when our children act out or fail to achieve. We do it to each other whenever we cast slant-wise glances at the aloof parents of rowdy children, or make assumptions about fathers whose children drop out of school or do drugs. When we judge other parents based on the choices of their children, we undermine ourselves; we create a dangerous framework where we have to project our self worth onto our kids. 

What is my job?

So if I am not in control of my kids and am not responsible for their choices, what am I even doing here? As fathers we need to define our roles in terms things over which we have 100% control. As I've grappled with this question, here is what I have outlined for myself: 

• To provide for the material needs and safety of my children

• To instruct my kids in ethical and practical things

• To explain and enforce natural consequences

• To love deeply and unconditionally

To Provide and Protect

All children have basic physical needs for shelter, clothing, and food which they cannot provide for themselves. Additionally it is my job to take every effort to protect them from serious physical harm and all forms of abuse. Within the realm of providing and protecting it is helpful to have a clear definition of "needs" and "harm." Fathers are responsible for providing necessities, but can and should say no many of the wants and demands of their children. Similarly, I prefer a narrow definition  of "harm" that refers to grave physical injury. Minor sunburns, scraped knees, and even broken bones do not do lasting damage or prevent kids from doing everything that is good and necessary for them to experience in life. 

To Instruct

My assumption is that if I have not explicitly told and implicitly modeled something for my children, they will never learn it. We have total control over how we communicate the important and useful things we want our children to know. They may not agree with, internalize, or apply what we say, but our duty is to teach. Again, our children will choose how they act, but we choose what input we present to them. 

To Explain and Enforce

There is an important balance to be struck between protecting our children and allowing them to learn from the natural consequences of their actions. I am inclined to let kids discover things for themselves in environments that are safe when stakes are low. When my child leaves the stuffed animal she wanted to take to school for show and tell at home, I can choose to drive it to the school, or help her work through disappointment and learn about being responsible. This is excruciating for a 5-year old and her parents, but it is so much better to have a disappointing day in kindergarten than to inappropriately shield our children from these lessons until they are adults when the risks are real and the stakes are high.

To Love

More than anything else, it is our job to constantly and thoroughly demonstrate our love for our children through words and actions. It is not our job to make our children feel loved, because we cannot control how they receive and interpret what we do. But we can strive to let our caring infuse every interaction with our kids. Even if we fulfill every aspect of our roles as parents perfectly, there are no guarantees. Our children are all on their own journeys. When we do those things that are in our control and act in love, we create an environment that is most conducive to the growth, happiness, and success of our children. 

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