The Fatherhood Blog

I feel a little jealous when I observe the online communities of mothers--the robust dialogue, the introspection, the salient agenda, and the openness. There are even entire industries centered around resources, coaching, and education for moms. Performing similar searches for father-focused content highlighted a stark difference in the way that millennial mothers and fathers are coping with parenthood. So why hasn't a parallel community formed for fathers? In refining the purpose of this blog, I have asked a few of my peers what they need most as fathers. What could they use more support with and what are the things they wish they knew? The themes that emerged instantly from their responses point to shared challenges, and an opportunity for dad's to benefit from talking to each other. Balance The clear stand-out is the need for balance. How do fathers meet the demands of work, family, church, and self? During a recent interview regarding his article The Biggest Thre...

In trying to improve as a father, few things seem more natural than strengthening our relationships with our kids. But what if I told you the most important relationship in fatherhood is not with your children? In fact, the way we interact with our children is the product, not the cause of what we achieve as parents.  In the context of dating and marriage, I have heard it said that if you are not good with yourself, you will never be good with anyone else. I interpret this to mean that we cannot rely on external circumstance or other people to meet our needs and feel joy. Likewise with fatherhood, we need to be able to approach parenthood from a place of confident and strength, which can only be created internally. If we are looking to the behavior and achievements of our children to bolster our sense of identity and worth, we are sure to feel deflated and resentful. And if we want to improve as parents, we must start with the man in the mirror.  Self I like t...

For the second night in a row, I've been up with one of my children at 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, and 4:00 holding back hair, washing bowls, rinsing, washing, and changing bedding, and sleeping on her bedroom floor in case she throws up again. These are the trenches of parenthood, and yet when our children need us so simply and urgently the hours of lost sleep face away, and there is something deeply satisfying about being needed. Seeing the peaceful face of a sick child finally able to sleep is all the reward a father could hope for.  And yet the inevitable questions come up for me about how I'm going to get through the day at work, or how long I can sustain this is if my girls don't feel better soon. What if this were more than a 24-hour stomach bug and I was called on to face, as so many parents bravely do, the challenges of a child's chronic or terminal disease? The term "self-care" seems to be a defining trend for millennial parents like me. I usually hear ...

In searching for models of fatherhood, none can be more powerful that the example of God, our spiritual father. Even if you are not religious, try this idea on. God is the creator of our spirits and loves us perfectly. His entire purpose is to help us to learn and to grow. I often think of him a The C urriculum D eveloper. He has sent us to earth in order to develop our talents, increase our capacities, learn to cope with pain and overcome obstacles. Ultimately, He want us to be as glorious as He is. If I were sitting down to teach a class on cooking or calculus, I would outline a syllabus, assigned required reading. I would prepare homework and write tests. I might even design group projects, or require students to complete some sort of practicum. Our experience on earth, particularly family life, is God’s curriculum to help us to become like Him. But how is He doing as a father? If we were to rate God on a scale from 1-10, where would he fall along the spectrum? If we are be...

Last night was a five alarm melt down. Dinner was wrong, all the kids were crying, and when finally, after three hours of coaxing, reminding, explaining, and prodding, the last of my four children finally fell asleep, I was spent. Fortunately, not every night is like that. In fact, very few are. And even more importantly, throughout the requests for another story, and another drink of water, and wailing that the pajamas “felt funny,” I was able to keep calm and not resent my children. This week one of my dearest friends told me that she is expecting for the first time and in my gushy excitement I promised her that it would be the best and hardest part of her life and that there would be times when she would love it and she would hate it. The key to our happiness and fulfillment as parents is our ability to manage our thoughts about parenthood. Our thoughts dictate our feelings, which fuel our actions and lead to our results as fathers. So if we want to be better fathers and enj...